A lot of you know that I had a heart attack eight months ago but what you may not know is that it had a drastic effect on my mental health as well. Since then I’ve had another bout of severe ill-health physically and my heart does all sorts of weird s..t all the time so that’s been a constant source of worry.
Pippa says it so well in ‘Kingdom of Us’, sometimes we need someone else to get us the help we need.
I guess we all kind of know that physical and mental health are linked, but, do we realise exactly to what extent? I don’t think we necessarily do but it makes total sense, if our bodies aren’t working properly it’s not easy for our brain to work properly either.
And it’s not just the worry, it’s the fact that you feel so ill, achy and lacking in energy all the time. If every physical task feels as though you’re climbing Everest, how can you possibly be full of the joys of spring, however much you may want to?
I decided to write this because I’ve finally had some more heart tests done and saw the consultant this morning to see just how badly affected my heart was when I had the heart attack. I went to appointment full of dread, expecting the worst and wondering if I was going to be admitted (I feel as though I get admitted every time I visit a hospital these days!).
Instead of my worst fears being realised, the doctor tells me that whilst my heart is definitely not 100%, I’m not going to keel over at any moment either! Yes, there is damage to my heart, yes, I have too many ectopic beats and yes, I have heart disease, (heart disease is, of course, for life) but, when I asked him about exercise etc…he told me to go run a marathon if I wanted to!
I burst into tears instantly, apologising between every blub! I realised in that instant how much the worry had been weighing me down as I felt as if the weight of the world had been lifted off my shoulders. I feel as though I have my life back, dramatic I know, but very real.
Suddenly I have a reason to go on, suddenly I can look to the future and actually feel as though there is one, suddenly the world doesn’t look as dark. And I know it will take a while to sink in and for my brain to adjust to being able to look forward to the future again but, it’s one hell of a feeling!
Could it be argued that I was worrying unnecessarily? Not really, I had a severe heart attack, they call it the ‘widow maker’ as the survival rate is low and I believe if I hadn’t already been in hospital I probably wouldn’t be here now, I was lucky. Add to that the fact that it all happened on the 10th anniversary of Paul’s suicide and that I was in surgery at the exact time he was calling the Police to tell them he was about to kill himself, it was all too weird to be real. Also, I was readmitted a few weeks later with complications and the test results at that time didn’t look good,
All in all, I’m going to let myself off the hook for being terrified for the last 8 months and whilst my heart is still doing weird s..t as I’m writing this, at least I know that the new medication I’m starting may help to lower the number of ectopics I have and therefore help me to feel a little better.
So, I have my life back, I can plan for the future and take every step I need to in order to live a happy, healthy(ish) life. I hope to be displaying the new ‘spring in my step’ very soon!
LIVE WELL, LIVE HAPPY, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELF AND UNDERSTAND THE INEXTRICABLE LINK BETWEEN PHYSICAL AND MENTAL HEALTH IN THIS ‘MENTAL HEALTH AWARENESS WEEK’