A near death experience is a funny one I’ve found! I’ve always assumed that my reaction to one would be to embrace life even more than I already do and spend my time treasuring every second. The reality has been entirely different and I’ve discovered that I’m not the only person, by a long way, who has responded the way I have.
The heart attack I suffered last year should have killed me…no, really! Had I not already been in hospital at the time I wouldn’t be here, scary stuff, I’m pretty much living on borrowed time. Borrowed time that I’m definitely grateful for but it’s taken time to recover psychologically, much more than physically.
The light has always been there, I just haven’t been able to see it!
It’s been 9 months now recovering from the actual heart attack and starting to feel physically back to normal actually took about 6 months, but another bout of very serious illness 6 weeks ago really knocked me back again and it’s taken this long to get over that fully.
The truth is though, that for a good 6 months I felt as though there was no point in living any more, having no energy, motivation and stamina made life a pure chore, not the exciting adventure I’ve always felt I was on! I couldn’t see it changing and the thought of living half a life just wasn’t something I felt I could tolerate. Was I suicidal? Yes and no, I would never have actively taken my own life but there were long periods of time when I went to sleep feeling as though it would be better if I didn’t wake up. My only motivation to keep trying were my children, I know how much they would struggle if anything were to happen to me and I also know how much devastation I would be leaving behind.
Wanting to be here for them kept me going but didn’t alter those deep feelings of hopelessness, the future had disappeared and I felt as though this time it was gone for good.
So, am I ok now? Yes, for the first time in a very long time I can say that I’m OK, not skipping and dancing, but, OK. And, you know what, for the time being ‘OK’ is enough. I still have days when I feel as though someone has turned the light off again but they’re getting fewer and I hope that theme continues.
I’m writing this to help others who have serious health issues understand that it can turn around and it can feel as though life is worth living again, it can just take time. Sometimes we have to be kind to ourselves and allow the recovery process to happen without beating ourselves up because ‘we should be ok by now’, some recover more quickly, some of us take more time.
Keep going, it’s worth it, and, you’re not alone…..
Film ‘Kingdom of Us’ :- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fc8_spETMBY
TED Talk :- https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xts1F-PoUNA