“My Husband’s Suicide; 12 years have passed but the pain lives on”
12 years ago today, Paul, my husband, and father to my 7 children took his own life. 12 years seems like a long time but, for us, it’s time that has vanished so quickly in a haze of tangled emotions and endless questions.
People die every day, illness, accidents and old age, it’s part of the circle of life and we all understand that deep down, nothing lasts forever. But some things should last a lot longer than they have and suicide is one of those inexplicable events that causes the people who are left behind to be in a state of shock, with questions that can never be answered. That person shouldn’t have died when they did, it wasn’t their time, it was a time chosen by them and you can’t help but feel you should have been able to stop it from happening.
Harder than the thoughts that you should have been able to prevent it from happening is the inevitable knowledge that it was a deliberate act, they had chosen to leave you. Weren’t we worth staying around for? Why didn’t you reach out for help? Was it really the only solution?
Then the ‘what if’ questions. What if we had all done different things that morning? What if I’d phoned him to check that thing instead of asking Jamie to ask him? What if I hadn’t been so hell bent on getting the Tesco shop done early that day? What if I’d insisted on staying to help him the night before at the end of the event we were organising?
And the children’s ‘what ifs’? Children shouldn’t have ‘what ifs’ that big at such a young age and what are they supposed to do with them? How does a child rationalise a ‘what if’?
And then the reasons, or excuses that are an attempt to understand what was going on in his mind at the moment he took that fatal action. He was mentally very ill, he wasn’t in his right mind at that moment, he must have believed it was his only way out, maybe he believed we would be better off without him, maybe it was a cry for help that went wrong?
The harsh reality is that we will never know, not even a 13 page suicide note actually explains the ‘why’, so, the ‘what ifs’ will go on forever. the only things I know for a certainty is that Paul had planned a murder/suicide of all of us or was going to ‘disappear’. I found a plethora of notes, maps and plans for him to disappear and only keep in contact with his mother.
He was a troubled man indeed but to take the ultimate action is something we will never really come to terms with and the children are left with the eternal feeling that they weren’t worth sticking around for.
Why am I writing this? Because I wish I could reach everyone in the entire world and tell them what they would leave behind if they took that fatal decision. I want to encourage people to be more aware of their loved ones, I want those who are feeling desperate to seek help first and see if they can find a way to live a happier life.
The only suggestion I have is to watch and share the film about my family on Netflix called ‘Kingdom of Us’. Since it’s release in 2017 we have been inundated with messages, a lot of them have come from people who were planning their suicide but having seen the film, and understanding what they would be leaving behind had decided not to do it.
This week was Suicide Prevention Week, let us, mankind, do everything we can to prevent people from becoming so desperate that taking their own life is their only perceived way out.
Maybe ‘Kingdom of Us’ is the greatest gift we, as a family, can offer the world to try and understand mental health challenges a little better? Maybe the film can and will change the outcome for some people? As a family we feel blessed to have received the greatest gift a person can ever receive, the possibility that we might have saved some lives.
With love to everyone who is struggling with life. Be strong and seek help…please.
Film: ‘Kingdom of Us’ – Netflix https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fc8_spETMBY&t=18s
TED Talk: Why my autistic children don’t need a cure’ – Youtube https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xts1F-PoUNA&t=144s
BOOK: ‘Unravelled” – Amazon https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xts1F-PoUNA&t=144s
Thank you for this Vicki. I have shared your thoughts and experience with my family: the are so apposite to life. Twelve years is a blink of an eye in a lifetime and, as you say, for you and the children many, many years will never be ‘enough’ to understand and heal the pain of Paul’s choice.
Thank you for all that you have done. My girlfriend killed herself sixteen years ago. Your film and blog have helped me to feel that I’m not alone in what I’ve been through, both while she was alive and since. With best wishes
Benjamin, I’m so sorry to hear that. The saddest part of losing someone to suicide is the never-ending questions I think, never finding any real closure. I wish you well and do hope you’re managed to move forward with your life. Vikie xxx
Hi Vickie
My daughter and I watched your film”The Kingdom of Us” last night. A few tears were shed as it brought home the memories of losing a husband to suicide. You’re right, so many questions unanswered and the shock of it leaves us all in turmoil. It’s been 12 years for us and 2 of my 3 children have struggled with mental health issues since they entered into their teenage years.
Just wanted to say how inspiring you are and how gorgeous your children are. A true tribute to your self for sure.
Take care
Adriana x
Hi Adriana,
I’m so sorry to hear of your loss, the never-ending questions really are hard to accept aren’t they. I do hope your daughters pull through, all of my children have had huge struggles since Paul’s death. Take of yourselves xxxx
I just watched the wonderful film about your family. What incredible children you have and how lucky they are to have such a sensitive, supportive and emotionally intelligent mother. Very inspiring.