SURVIVORS – The other side of suicide

If I say the word ‘suicide’, where do your thoughts instantly go? The person who died or the people who are left behind?

Both sides of every suicide story are tragedies in their own right, a person has given up on life and taken the ultimate act to end their pain, and in their wake, they leave family and friends who are both heartbroken and bewildered. The difference is that the person who has died is out of pain and will suffer no longer, the people left behind will feel the excruciating pain of loss for the rest of their lives.

Now, does this make one side of the story better or worse than the other? No, of course not, one person has lost the ability to enjoy life, watch their children grow up and achieve their full potential and the others have to learn to live their lives without someone they loved. Neither side has ‘won’, it’s a lose, lose all round.

For the person who has tragically died, it’s all over, life is done, they feel no more. For the people left behind it’s a very different story, emotions are heightened to a terrifying level, the self-imposed guilt is excruciating and the seemingly endless tunnel that looms into the distance has no discernible end and feels as though there will be no end, ever.

My family and I have been there with the suicide of my husband, my children’s father, 13 years ago. 13 years seems a long time but, with someone taking their own life, the pain may diminish a little but the questions never, ever end and along with the questions come the inevitable guilt and ‘what ifs’.

Could any one of us have said or done something that might have prevented it from happening? What if we had approached him when we saw him sitting in his car? What if one of us had phoned him that morning? What if, what if, what if? The ‘what ifs’ will destroy you if you let them, somehow you have to find peace with the ‘what ifs’ and that’s a very difficult thing to achieve.

And, as we’ve all discovered over the years, one ‘what if’ that has been resolved can very quickly become a different ‘what if’ that you hadn’t thought of before, each one has to be attacked separately in order to overcome the guilt and shame that they engender. Maybe, eventually, we can put all of the ‘what ifs’ away and find peace with the events of that day, but we’re not there yet.

Today is the 13th anniversary of Paul’s suicide and September is also World Suicide Prevention Month so it felt appropriate to post this today. And it’s a cautionary tale to anyone feeling as though they have no choice but to end it all.

I beg you, seek help, talk to someone, tell someone how you feel, don’t hide away, ring the Samaritans or another Help Line you feel comfortable with….PLEASE, do something. The pain you will leave behind is immeasurable and everlasting, just watch the documentary on Netflix, ‘Kingdom of Us’, about my family and our ‘recovery’ from Paul’s suicide to witness first hand the pain.

I understand you may be feeling that everyone would be better off without you. They won’t.

I get that life just feels too hard to go on. It isn’t, things will always get better.

I know you feel worthless. You’re not, the people who love you value you more than you can ever realise.

I realise that you may be feeling that ‘you’ve done your time’ and it’s time to leave. Realise that those closest to you are hanging on to every minute you have to be with them, stay for them.

I know how you feel, I’ve felt it as well, too many times. The only things holding me back are my children, they need me and I couldn’t put them through that again. So, if you’re ‘in that place’ please don’t accuse me of not understanding, I really do. Understand that the impact of your actions will have unimaginable, far-reaching repercussions and try to focus on that.

This might sound harsh but try to remember, the pain you are experiencing is small compared to the pain you will leave behind.

PLEASE…THINK TWICE XX

Film – Kingdom of Us on Netflix – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fc8_spETMBY&t=4s

Book – Unravelled – https://www.amazon.co.uk/Unravelled-inspirational-story-journey-darkness/dp/1910198455/ref=sr_1_1?dchild=1&keywords=vikie+shanks&qid=1600177978&sr=8-1

TED Talk – Youtube – https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xts1F-PoUNA&t=22s